I can do Hard THINGS!

Well it was a hard week Feb 23rd! It started Monday morning with TERRIBLE news of a wonderful and loved family in Pocatello. The Parrish Family had passed away. The mom, dad, 14 year old and 12 year old boys had passed away in their sleep due to a carbon monoxide poisoning due to a faulty water heater. This really hit me because they currently have two children serving missions for the church. One of those children is Jensen and she was in a few shows with me at the Mystique and I LOVE her. She is honestly one of the happiest and sweetest people I know. On top of knowing her...my brother Troy had coached one of the sweet boys and he was one of Jayden's good friends. Their family was in Troy's ward and good friends with them so my heart ached for them and all the family members of the sweet Parrish family. Then we got some other bad news Tuesday morning when Beau's boss called and told him they offered a position to open up a new branch closer to our home to someone else. Beau had been working hard and trying to hit goals he had set for himself and really had planned on being moved/promoted over to the new branch. It was a hard day at our house and especially frustrating at how the entire situation was handled. Then on top of all of this My sweet sister Mandy had her first court/custody date and it hadn't gone as well as hoped....things are being strung along and they were ordered to mediation. So as Beau got home from work we hugged, ate dinner, and I headed to zumba for a "break" from all of this bad news... looking forward to tomorrow... a new day! So Wednesday I had my first Dr. Appointment with Dr. Leavitt. I was about 11 weeks pregnant and we were so excited! Beau had decided to come with me to the appointment! We headed in and first met with the financial person for the office and we got everything figured and squared away! Then we headed in with the ultrasound tech for my ultrasound. She was so kind and excited for us! We expressed that we had one of each a girl and a boy and we were so excited because this #3 would be a tie breaker! She began the ultrasound and everything looked great and measured well as far as my uterus, etc. Then she zoomed in on baby...she began to get quiet and her excitement turned to sadness. She informed us that our sweet baby we were so excited about had passed. My heart shattered immediately and as I looked over at Beau his head dropped. Why? Why now? Why us? Is this a bad dream? We sobbed....the tech cried with us...she then gave us time to be alone before meeting the PA. Well I cannot explain the feelings I was having...I felt shocked, hurt, upset, guilty, broken, angry, and so many emotions rolled into one. We left the Dr. feeling so so heartbroken. Beau decided to take the day off and I am so so glad. I am so grateful he decided that day to come along. I had tried talking him out of it and he wouldn't budge...so glad. That night my sweet friend Katie arranged for our meals and was such a huge support. Throughout this entire trial we have had a lot of support. We talked to Derek and decided to get some medication that would help speed the process of passing the fetus on my own....Two doses in...nothing. Then Friday we tried a new dosage...3 pills  every 6 hours and did that until Saturday night.....nothing. Then Sunday we thought we would give it one more shot....Beau was amazing through the entire process. I took a dose Sunday afternoon...nothing! At this point I was so so emotional and so so angry! I just wanted this to all be over. Then Sunday night I took another dose and about 6pm started to feel super shaky and having chills, my cramping/labor pains grew stronger, and finally at about 8pm I began spotting. I have never been so excited to spot in my life. Then at about 10 pm I told Beau I was heading to the bathroom and then to bed. As I stood up....a huge flood came and I ran into the bathroom. Once it finally came it happened so fast...what a tender mercy and blessing this was. Beau was a huge support and hugged me as I broke down...I am so so grateful for him. We truly had a bonding and spiritual experience. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.
Well it has been a few weeks now and I am still having a very very hard time. I have had so much love and support and it has helped so much but at the end of the day it just hurts and it will take time. I have had so many meals brought in, treats, cards, flowers, visits, people helping with my kids and for all of this I am truly grateful....I CAN DO HARD THINGS! I have to remind myself this daily. This experience is truly for my good. It has and continues to make me a better and more compassionate person. I have learned a lot about myself throughout this trial. I pray for continued comfort and peace and pray that with time I will have a better understanding and appreciation for this dark time in my life.